I was so furious this morning that one of my colleagues bought me chocolate to calm me down.  I’d got up extra early to catch the earlier train as there were some important meetings starting at 9am and I’d wanted to be in to prepare for them beforehand.  That train gets in 40 mins earlier.  Except today it was 15 minutes late and then the tubes were down, the trains weren’t stopping at my destination station and I ended up catching a bus.  I got into work at 9.15 having left my house at 6.40.  I was close to tears by the time I got here.

I don’t want to be here really, spending a quarter of my salary on a useless train service but I’m stuck for 6 months or have to pay my enhanced maternity pay back – money I simply don’t have.  So I’m a prisoner to the job and to Southeastern High Speed and their constant announcements of gratitude “Thank you for choosing Southeastern High Speed for your journey today.  Please report anything suspicious to a member of staff”.  Does that include a train running on time?

Anyway, the travel misery is really adding to the way I’m feeling at the moment.  Being back at work, seeing my baby for barely 20 minutes a day, fighting with DP constantly,  serious lack of sleep, money worries for the first time in years, wrist and elbow pain and constant train delays.  Just a miserable existence right now.

So, 9.5 months of maternity leave later, I’ve moved to the coast and bought a lovely 3 bed semi with a large garden and am now back at work full-time.

It’s the hardest thing though.  I get up just before 6, feed baby, get ready and am out the door by 7 and don’t get home till nearly 8pm where I feed baby again, make dinner, make my lunch for the next day and wash up.  I’m just constantly knackered.  The girls at work have been fab but I’d forgotten how competitive my colleague is and while she claims she’s glad I’m back, she also makes me feel completely paranoid and useless as I haven’t a clue what’s going on with all the new business lines that have started this year.  The other PA is junior to us and is always complaining about being left out of things if I don’t copy her in on everything.  It’s like chasing my tail.

Then homelife is a nightmare too.  DP gets frustrated by baby’s whinging and can be really moody about it.  I have no idea how she is with her when I’m not around during the day, but I do worry she’s leaving her to play alone too much so she can spend time on the computer or playing her PS3.  The last few weekends have ended with her not talking to me because I haven’t looked after the baby enough – usually at the weekend I do all the changes, feeds, food prep and baths.  But I am trying to get the shopping, washing, ironing, tidying, cooking and some gardening done as well on my days off.  And she gets so angry if I spend any time at all in the garden.  I took baby outside with me yesterday and she called me stupid and said it was wrong of me to do that for a child who can’t walk yet.  I don’t think it matters as long as they’re wrapped up warm and I don’t care about a bit of mud.  But maybe she’s right.  I am finding myself questioning a lot of my baby care ideas and decisions these days as I’m sure I’m doing it all wrong.  There’s no way of knowing though as we don’t have any friends with babies we can compare notes with so just keep on muddling through.

To top all this off, I’ve also developed tennis elbow somehow.  My arm is agony and carrying the baby around, as well as desk work all day just means it isn’t getting a chance to heal.  I am so tired and fed up at the moment – I hate going to work, but apart from the baby I hate being at home.  It’s like there’s nowhere to go to escape from it all.

I can’t help thinking that me and DP are on the verge of splitting up and if that happens I have no idea what I’ll do.  I just feel completely helpless and miserable.

By the time I got home, I felt terrible and didn’t know whether to sleep or eat or just spend the evening in the bathroom.  In the end I ate dinner and felt better for it.  But then, when I was getting ready for bed, I wiped and there was a bit of blood.  it seemed so ironic that the first blood I see for all this time happens the night before my scan I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  I did neither and just went to bed and vowed to take the day off work.

After another sleepless night of worrying, I eventually got up and was relieved that there was no more bleeding at all.  If I hadn’t shown wifey I would hardly believe it happened.

So we went to our scan – both extremely nervous about what we’d find, but it was fine!  She found the baby really easily and told us it had a good strong heartbeat and was even doing pilate-esque sit-ups for us!  It really was the most incredible thing in the world!

A little cashew nut in a helmet

Told my youngest sister tonight cos she came round for dinner and she was thrilled – was so nice to be talking to someone about it at last.  Upset to find out my mum has already told her sister though even though I asked her not to on Sunday.  She is hopeless!

Anyway, just really excited to finally have seen my little one and wanted to share!

The tiredness was also a killer – instead of going for lots of incredible hikes in Yosemite, I’d manage a few steps before I had to stop and rest. The longest walk we managed was about a mile and that took a few hours! So unlike me and so frustrating!

And in San Francisco, I just couldn’t stop shivering the whole time I was there – it was Baltic! Then Yosemite was stifling and then back on the coast it was freezing again. Not the summer holiday I’m used to – no happy medium beach weather this year! So, I’ll be going back to work looking pale, gaunt and spotty – all the crap I’ve eaten seems to have played hell with my skin too! It’s just not good!

Oh well, I had no idea I’d be pregnant when I booked it, and even when I did, was ignorant to the effect it would have on me. At least I know now – next time I get pregnant, I stay close to home for at least the first trimester!

But it was good all the same, and always nice to spend time with wifey. She has been more than incredible – not one complaint despite being dragged from one restaurant to another looking for something I can stomach. She’s insisted on carrying everything and stopping constantly to make sure I’m ok. Bless her – I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful person to share this with. I have totally fallen in love with her all over again these past couple of weeks and know she is going to make a brilliant mum!

The added bonus as well is that at least I haven’t had to go through all this at work, under the scrutiny of my nosey colleagues, and I’m now nearly 8 weeks gone and a lot closer to my scan on Tuesday. Waiting for that has been hell, but made better by the distractions – and the constant nausea and tiredness that reassures me all is well.

One of the boards we’re on got onto discussing old wives tales for predicting the sex and all the signs point towards a little girl – my gut instinct had told me that anyway, but it’s good to have some back up. Apparently the sweet cravings, the excessive spots, the left breast being larger than the right all suggest a girl. Which is really, really exciting!

So, we have about 3 hours till we’re due in London now, and I think it’s time for some shuteye – another thing that has gone awol the last couple of weeks – waking at 4.30am every morning is more than frustrating! Especially when you’re due to be driving all day!

So I’m going to try and beat some of the jetlag by sleeping now in the hope that I can get some semblance of normality into my life before I’m back at work on Monday. Urgh!

Last weekend, I was virtually wiped out by the nausea and tiredness. But then I had such a busy week at work I didn’t have time to be ill.

Tuesday, wifey and I went to the cinema to see a comedy about a surrogate mum. It was actually quite funny, if a little weird to think we were really going down that road ourselves. The baby bit, not the surrogacy obviously! Then we went for pizza and I picked at my food and barely made it home without collapsing I was so tired.

On Wednesday, my sister asked me to join her at a public consultation, so my plans for an easy evening went out the window – I spent 5 hours stood in a freezing cold room at West Ham’s football ground talking to idiots who can’t see the wood for the trees. And standing is not fun when your uterus is stretching beyond all recognition!!

Then Thursday, my last day in the office for 2 weeks, so loads to get done, not helped by the afternoon out the day before. Heather had her 30^th birthday drinks in a tapas bar after work, so I went along, and was immediately handed a glass and someone started pouring sangria into it. I told her I didn’t drink so only a bit, and then bought a bottle of lemonade to dilute it a bit. But I felt so bad – all these months not drinking, then suddenly, the month I get pregnant, I drink twice! Kind of ironic really! But the amount of alcohol in what I had must have been negligible to be honest, so it’s not all bad!

Friday was our staff away day. First off there was some problem with the buses so I stood at a stop for 15 minutes in the hot sun before I could go meet my sister and our colleague to help with the refreshments for the day. By the time I got there, they were done, so I didn’t get any breakfast like I’d planned.

We walked up to the city farm, and the smells hit me almost immediately – if this wasn’t a test for my nausea nothing was!

As it turned out, being out in the sunshine really made me feel good and apart from needing to sit down a lot and not really wanting to eat, I had a pretty good day. I even managed the sports day games we played at lunch without getting indigestion.

The evening was spent in a boutique hotel with a bbq and drinks. By 8pm I was hitting the wall again and just had to go home. I actually thought it was nearer 21.30, so was a bit surprised when I called wifey to find it was only 20.15!

I struggled home with a bag full of spare cans and cookies for wifey and my mum called to wish me a good trip. Then I went to bed as I could barely talk anymore. When wifey came to bed an hour later, I woke up with a start and spent an hour fighting the nausea again before finally getting to sleep.

Yesterday we just had a lazy day again, and I felt pretty bad all through it – the hardest part is not being hungry at all, and just thinking about food makes me feel sick. No-one told me it would be like this – I naively expected to wake up in the morning, throw up and that be it for the day! How wrong I was!

We went to the opera last night and it was good, but again the 8 o’clock wall came and I had to struggle to get through the second half. I grabbed a smoothie and pasta salad on the way home, about the only things I could manage. But then I got really bad indigestion which didn’t help the walk home from the bus.

And so to today. I am just over halfway to San Francisco. Me and pip are on our first flight together. So far it’s not been too bad – I had some crisps before I left and bought a big bottle of water and some boiled sweets. I’ve watched 2 films, read some of my new book and even slept a little. The nausea from this morning seems to have gone, but my tits are killing me and I’m starting to feel tired. I’ve just got to make it to the hotel and then I’ll be ok. As long as I don’t have to stand in any long lines when I arrive it shouldn’t be too bad.

It would be nice to just go to sleep now until we land, but my brain is still wide awake and buzzing away with thoughts that stop me sleeping. And the danger with sleeping is the nausea when I wake up. So it’s catch 22 – I sleep and risk feeling sick afterwards. Or I stay awake and risk the wall making me so tired I feel sick anyway. I can’t win.

I’m sure this will all be worth it in the end, but another 6 weeks feeling like this really isn’t too appealing. And I’ve started to really panic about actually being a mum. I think I’m going to be crap and let it down. How can I even begin to be a good mum when I love work and my independence so much? And I hate body fluids so nappy-changing, baby sick and all the other gross things that babies do fill me with absolute dread.

This is real now, and I’m scared.

However, my tits are even more painful than ever and keep getting itchy.  This morning I had proper morning sickness – no actual vomiting, just about everything but.  The pregnancy tests are still showing a strong line which I hope means that the hcg is still high.

I know that this could all be down to the build up of progesterone in my system, or it could just be simply that I am still pregnant. I really hope it is.

I really want to tell my parents tomorrow but it’s hard to be excited while I’m still worrying.  Especially as it could be that I might not know for sure either way until I go for my first scan in 3.5 weeks time.  And that seems a very long way off right now.

So, the only way to deal with these worries and doubts is to pretend they’re not there and try and get on as normal and keep thinking and acting as if I am still pregnant.

I didn’t take my temperature this morning as I woke up at 3.20 for half an hour and again at 5.20 and didn’t get back to sleep so I knew it wouldn’t be accurate and didn’t want to make myself even more paranoid.  I doubt I’ll take it again now – either it will happen or it won’t and I just keep right on hoping it won’t.

But my god this is such a head-fuck like I’ve never ever known before!  When do I get to sit back and enjoy being pregnant?!

BBT Dip

But I am really worried – it could mean nothing – there doesn’t seem to be much conclusive evidence to say for sure what it means, but most points to it being an early indicator. But there’s no bleeding so far and no unusual pain. My HPT was still really strong this morning (stronger than yesterday), I had diarrhoea again (third morning in a row – I’m guessing this is my morning sickness), my boobs are still super-sore and there are still a few weird twinges going on. So I haven’t given up hope yet.

I think wifey is more upset than me though – I think I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant, that I never expected it to last – this whole week has been a myriad of emotions, knicker-checking and HPT testing. Just to be sure. So to lose it now would be devastating, but not a massive surprise – like my first IUI was a practice-run, this could be my practice-run at pregnancy. Maybe I’m just more aware of the reality of how hard this was going to be. I don’t know. But it is so hard to comfort her when I don’t know what to say other than there’s nothing we can do. If nature has decided that it’s not viable, then we just have to accept it. As heartbreaking as that might be. But better now than much later when it will be a bigger deal. Or even more so than a baby that isn’t as healthy as it could be.

But this is all speculation of course until something actually happens. We just have to wait and see. Let’s just hope my mouth was open when I was sleeping, or that because I’d been awake for half an hour before taking my temp, it was affected by that. Who knows? It’s not an exact science by any means.

And the other worry this week of course has been about who to tell and when. Wifey told her brother on Tuesday – he’s been really depressed recently, so we figured some good news and the prospect of a niece or nephew in cultivation might help him see a future.

I wanted to tell my parents, but my sister is with them at the moment, and her boyfriend is there too. I work with both of them, so I’m a bit nervous about him finding out in case he tells someone else at work. And I know my mum wouldn’t be able to contain her excitement once she knows to keep it a secret from my sister.

And I’d also like to tell my sister myself. There’s the other sister as well – she needs to be the last to know as I definitely cannot trust her not to tell anyone. She told all her friends that we were trying for a baby, even though I’d specifically asked her not to tell anyone. And I think this will just be too big a secret for her to keep. So I need to talk with my other sister first to see how she thinks we should manage it. I do not want a load of random people knowing something so personal yet. It’s bad enough they know we’re trying – like it’s any business of theirs anyway.

So, if everything is ok still on Sunday, I was going to send my mum an email with the subject “What I’d like for my birthday” and then attach a knitting pattern for some baby booties. She will get the email and call me straight away in masses of excitement, so it’s best to do it on a Sunday when I have lots of time to chat. Plus I’ll be 5 weeks by then too which will feel like more of a milestone.

I have booked time in my sister’s diary for us to go to lunch on Monday somewhere away from colleagues. I will tell her then and ask her advice on telling my other sister.

I so, so hope that I get to do all this and that it isn’t already too late.

If you’re reading this, please keep everything crossed for us. I just hope my body can continue nurturing my little pip.

And it feels wonderful – I can’t stop grinning and have been swinging between maniacal laughter to tears of amazement. I just cannot believe it.

Of course, it’s very early days and we have a long, long way to go yet – even until the danger period is over, but at least the way the dates are worked out, I’m already a third of a way through my first trimester!

Let me explain what happened yesterday.

I went to the Dr and explained about the pain. The locum I saw was obviously concerned it might be an ectopic pregnancy, but I know that isn’t the case by the fact the pain has been constant since just after the IUI. He told me to provide a urine sample and come back tomorrow to see my usual GP.

So I went to work, really none-the-wiser.

The fertility clinic called. Congratulations, the nurse at the other end said with about as much emotion as a wet fish. Keep taking the cyclogest and let’s get you booked in for your first scan. After playing around with dates to fit our holiday in, we agreed on Tuesday 12 August and I was told to come in that afternoon to pick up a prescription for more cyclogest.

So another couple of hours at work – mostly spent on google researching pregnancy and then off to the hospital.

Went and found the nurses and explained my concerns that it might just be a cyst and they got me to do another test and explained that it was very unlikely that a cyst would keep my period away for this long or keep giving positive results. This test was nice and strong as well apparently. So, she said, you are definitely pregnant! Congratulations! And she meant it. I was close to tears. This is it! I really, really am pregnant! Not just imagining it, or dreaming it.

And my temps have continued to be high since Friday – usually they wouldn’t go above 37C unless I’d been drinking lots the night before. But now they just keep getting higher – today was a massive 37.10! The highest ever!

This month's chart

My boobs are still sore and even though wifey doesn’t think so, I am convinced they’re fuller and firmer. I had the runs this morning after a wave of nausea. And last night I really struggled to eat our anniversary dinner! Most unlike me!

So, just maybe, I really am pregnant!

Went to the Dr again this morning and saw my regular GP who knows about our fertility treatment and was really nice. He did another test which was definitely positive and had a feel of my tummy just to check there was nothing wrong. And then he told me to come back after my holiday. So it looks like that week will be busy!

Still in shock. Still wow, wow, wow!

I just can’t wait for next week when some of the symptoms might start up properly and the embryo begins to turn into a proper baby!

And then I can’t wait for my first scan at 9 weeks when it will have a proper heartbeat and be properly starting to look like a baby!

Oh god! This is mental!!!!

The proof is in the second go

Or is it? The pain on my right side is still there – just a dull, burning pain – it hurts to bend my leg right up (i.e. curl up in the foetal position) or to lie straight out. Or to stand on my right leg too much or to breathe into my stomach or laugh. But that’s kind of it. So we did some research (naturally) and discover that the pain could be a corpus luteum cyst and these can give false positives. So our little bit of hope evaporated. I think I had something similar last IUI as it’s the same pain as before and started up just after the HcG shot and lasted till my period. Except this time, my period hasn’t come – and I’m not sure if this is due to the progesterone pessaries or pregnancy.

Anyway, I went out and got some digital tests so I could test again first morning urine. More for reassurance that the lines on the cheap test sticks were real. And I spent the night dreaming about it – my temp had gone right down, but then I realised I’d dreamt it, and took it again and it was really high (like feverishly so). Then I eventually properly wake up and check my phone is turned off (I use the light from it turning on to read the thermometer) to see if I’d been dreaming the last reading or not. I had. And I take my temp and it’s still high – same as Friday.

I go into the bathroom and put the test together and pee on it and really, really quickly (much less than the stated 3 minutes) there’s a big fat + in the little screen. I run into the bedroom and turn the light on to show wifey and she smiles too. But we’re still concerned it might just be a cyst. The pain is still bad this morning, and before breakfast was making me feel a bit sick. Now I’ve eaten it’s just back to a nagging, burning sensation when I touch it or move.

The Digital Effect

We have spent the morning researching it and wondering if it is serious enough to warrant a trip to A&E. But what would they do? I can go to the GP tomorrow and get a blood test, but I assume this will still only tell me I have HcG in my system, not what’s causing it. I guess we just have to wait until around 6 weeks when we can have a scan that might show up a heartbeat.

It’s so frustrating – I really want to be happy that I’m pregnant but there is just that nagging concern that it isn’t a pregnancy or that if it is it won’t last. I’m sure this is normal for anyone that’s had any sort of fertility treatment – it just seems too good to be true. But I am not a patient person and just want to know.

And I want rid of the pain. All the other pregnancy symptoms are fine – I’ll take all of them by the bucketload. But the pain in my side is not a symptom it is something else. And I am feeling fed up about it. This should be one of the happiest weekends of my life, yet I’ve spent it feeling like I’m on a rollercoaster – excited then scared, then excited then scared.

Today is going to go so slowly.

As there is still no sign of my period that was due 2 days ago, and because my temps have gone really high the last 2 mornings, and because it’s 14 days since the IUI and 15 since the HcG, we decided to do a test just to see what it’s like (I didn’t get to try last time cos my temps dropped and my period came exactly 10 days after).

So I did my internet freebie test (one of the sticks that has a blue handle you see on all the galleries out there) and within a minute or so there was a very definite line there, next to the test line. It’s faint, but it’s definitely a line. Wifey agreed. And this was the 3rd wee of the morning. So was already diluted.

So could this be real?

Have spent the last couple of hours browsing all the galleries of other people’s HPT results and it really does seem like it could be accurate. The HcG shot should have left my system at least 5 days ago (and I drink gallons every day, so probably sooner). My period is late. And there is a very definite dip in my BBT chart. But then I’ve been taking high doses of progesterone and oestrogen as well. So what if they’ve somehow skewed the result? Google says they can’t, and we all know Google is our friend. But what if?

But this cycle was so wrong on every level – the timing, the lack of lining again, the pain all week.

Surely there’s no way on earth I can be pregnant.

Is there?

I just want tomorrow morning to come round so I can try again with my FMU. But I’m going out now to buy some proper tests – even though wifey would rather I didn’t. But then she didn’t want me to test this morning either and is still analysing the test stick hours later in excitement.