Southeastern Not High Speed

I have a feeling this is going to become too common a topic.  To get to work from my new home by the sea involves a 2 hour door to door car/train/tube journey.  The car bit so far has been fine – 7 minutes and then just a few minutes to find somewhere to park (although this is getting more and more difficult it seems).  The train is the brand spanking new high speed service which stops at just 4 stations en route.  On a good day I should be sat at my desk by 9.10.  However, despite being shiny and new, the trains seem to have no end of problems.  Lack of carriages, no platform to come into, collisions, no power, faulty doors, previous cancelled services; the list of excuses just seem to be more and more creative.  But at the end of the day, the high speed service just isn’t doing what it claims to.  And to add insult to injury, when I get to my home station in the evening, there are posters everywhere promoting the service with a woman in a suit running to hug her toddler, and the strapline “Don’t miss the most important meetings”.  Well, thanks to the dreadful service, I am lucky if I get 15 minutes with my baby (aka The Frog Princess or TFP from now on) before she goes to bed at night.  I sent off my complaint yesterday and of the 40 trains I caught last month, 11 of them suffered delays or cancellations.  11!!!  Then last night the train was cancelled and this morning delayed.

I was so furious this morning that one of my colleagues bought me chocolate to calm me down.  I’d got up extra early to catch the earlier train as there were some important meetings starting at 9am and I’d wanted to be in to prepare for them beforehand.  That train gets in 40 mins earlier.  Except today it was 15 minutes late and then the tubes were down, the trains weren’t stopping at my destination station and I ended up catching a bus.  I got into work at 9.15 having left my house at 6.40.  I was close to tears by the time I got here.

I don’t want to be here really, spending a quarter of my salary on a useless train service but I’m stuck for 6 months or have to pay my enhanced maternity pay back – money I simply don’t have.  So I’m a prisoner to the job and to Southeastern High Speed and their constant announcements of gratitude “Thank you for choosing Southeastern High Speed for your journey today.  Please report anything suspicious to a member of staff”.  Does that include a train running on time?

Anyway, the travel misery is really adding to the way I’m feeling at the moment.  Being back at work, seeing my baby for barely 20 minutes a day, fighting with DP constantly,  serious lack of sleep, money worries for the first time in years, wrist and elbow pain and constant train delays.  Just a miserable existence right now.

It’s Been A While…

So that little cashew nut turned into the most beautiful baby girl.  She arrived last March after a torturous 34 hour back to back labour.  It was the most horrific experience of my life as I really thought I was going to lose her due to her heart stopping on numerous occasions.  But in the end she was fine and was probably just trying to turn round to get out.  Poor little thing.

So, 9.5 months of maternity leave later, I’ve moved to the coast and bought a lovely 3 bed semi with a large garden and am now back at work full-time.

It’s the hardest thing though.  I get up just before 6, feed baby, get ready and am out the door by 7 and don’t get home till nearly 8pm where I feed baby again, make dinner, make my lunch for the next day and wash up.  I’m just constantly knackered.  The girls at work have been fab but I’d forgotten how competitive my colleague is and while she claims she’s glad I’m back, she also makes me feel completely paranoid and useless as I haven’t a clue what’s going on with all the new business lines that have started this year.  The other PA is junior to us and is always complaining about being left out of things if I don’t copy her in on everything.  It’s like chasing my tail.

Then homelife is a nightmare too.  DP gets frustrated by baby’s whinging and can be really moody about it.  I have no idea how she is with her when I’m not around during the day, but I do worry she’s leaving her to play alone too much so she can spend time on the computer or playing her PS3.  The last few weekends have ended with her not talking to me because I haven’t looked after the baby enough – usually at the weekend I do all the changes, feeds, food prep and baths.  But I am trying to get the shopping, washing, ironing, tidying, cooking and some gardening done as well on my days off.  And she gets so angry if I spend any time at all in the garden.  I took baby outside with me yesterday and she called me stupid and said it was wrong of me to do that for a child who can’t walk yet.  I don’t think it matters as long as they’re wrapped up warm and I don’t care about a bit of mud.  But maybe she’s right.  I am finding myself questioning a lot of my baby care ideas and decisions these days as I’m sure I’m doing it all wrong.  There’s no way of knowing though as we don’t have any friends with babies we can compare notes with so just keep on muddling through.

To top all this off, I’ve also developed tennis elbow somehow.  My arm is agony and carrying the baby around, as well as desk work all day just means it isn’t getting a chance to heal.  I am so tired and fed up at the moment – I hate going to work, but apart from the baby I hate being at home.  It’s like there’s nowhere to go to escape from it all.

I can’t help thinking that me and DP are on the verge of splitting up and if that happens I have no idea what I’ll do.  I just feel completely helpless and miserable.