So here I am. Nearly 2 weeks since IUI. And the last week has been crap. The combination of cyclogest and progynova seem to have completely thrown a curveball to my body. I’ve had sore boobs for over a week – much more than my usual couple of days before my period. Then earlier this week, I had what felt like a twisted knee that swelled up and just couldn’t get comfortable. And even when it was better, I just can’t seem to get my legs/arms comfortable – they just feel in the way the whole time.
Then there was a really horrid day of light-headed dizziness and nausea – I thought it was caused by having a couple of cups of tea (normal caffeinated compared to my usual herbal blend), but after nearly a day of feeling like I’d dropped some e’s, I began to realise it was more than that. By the end of the day, I didn’t want to eat (and that NEVER happens) and just wanted to curl up and sleep. It was horrible.
Of course there have also been the usual cramps and twinges in my pubic area and around the ovary. But there has still been less severe dizziness and nausea each day since as well. And I have been cold and tired all week.
I’ve been waking up at 4am desperate for a wee and then completely wide awake after that so my BBT charting has more or less gone out the window. I have been feeling really depressed and irritable – I even shouted at wifey last night just cos the tube was delayed and it pissed me off.
And the final straw, as if one was needed, is that my period is now 2 days late, and there’s not even a little bit of spotting yet to indicate it’s almost here. So it looks like next month’s cycle is out the window as I will be flying to San Francisco/in San Francisco when I ovulate. Unless my period arrives tomorrow and I ovulate early (or they trigger again – but earlier this time!).
I just feel really fed up with all of this. My old school friends are all trying to organise a reunion around their various pregnancies and it just feels like salt being rubbed in a very sore wound at the moment. I just can’t be bothered with anything. All I want is to be pregnant and getting ready for baby’s arrival. Not still trying and still wanting to try because yet another month it’s gone wrong for whatever reason.
And when I’m feeling like this, it’s hard not to get annoyed at wifey for having it so easy. So she wants to try a medicated cycle – great but she doesn’t have to take the drugs. She doesn’t have to go to scans the other side of London every other day, and sit in a skanky waiting room because they’re running late again. She doesn’t get scornful remarks when she asks questions about what they’re doing.
This week, even though it was sort of a week off from it (apart from the side-effects of the pointless drugs), I still had to trek over there to pick up 2 days’ worth of tablets the chemist had run out of when I initially picked up the prescription. I asked wifey to go as she finishes work much earlier than me (and this week we’re talking around 3 hours), but she wouldn’t go because it was too far and would cost money when it was free for me.
And that’s how it always is – she wants a baby, but only if it doesn’t inconvenience her in any way and nothing changes. As long as I still come home at whatever time I manage to get away from work and make dinner, and then lunch for next day and ensure there’s enough cereal and get any shopping needed, it’s fine. Just don’t expect her to put herself out for this at all. So I get the taking time off work, spending hours and hours in a horrible shed (which the fertility unit pretty much is), being spoken to like a stupid kid, injections, pessaries, tablets to take every day, temperatures to take every morning at 6.45, horrid side-effects and all the associated stress. And she just gets annoyed because I’m a little pissed off she is sitting watching crap TV when the linen basket is over-flowing and last week’s washing hasn’t been put away when I get home from work at 21.00. And that I dared to ask her to pick up the tablets. And that I feel funny about doing a medicated cycle when I don’t think I have any problems with my follicular development and know it’s going to cause even more pain, discomfort and sickness.
But hey, if I even dare to throw any of this back at her, I conned her into marrying me. She would never have done it if she didn’t think I’d give her a baby.
I just want a little bit of appreciation for what I’m going through – yes it’s for me, but it’s for her too. And I know how it’ll be when we do get a baby. I will be shattered from the constant feeding/waking cycle, but the washing and cooking and shopping will still need doing. And she will get pissed off at me if I dare to ask her to do it. So I’ll just try and fit it in. And then she’ll come home from work and have fun time with the baby while I’m too tired ever to enjoy it.
I sometimes wonder why on earth I’m putting myself through this.
