All Systems Go!

Well today was scan day and despite my fears it seems all is well. Had Dr Nasty again and this week it was an argument about whether or not I’d had a day 19 blood test for my FSH levels. I’m sat prostrate and naked from the waist down on the scan table, and he’s grumbling about how he sent me for a blood test but I don’t seem to have had it. It sounds to me as though he expected me to have the test in the hospital, but unfortunately, I’m not the mind-reader he seems to think I am, so had it done at my local surgery and duly gave the results to Dr Nice who added them to my file. After a bit more grumbling, he eventually inserted dildo-cam and declared all looked fine.

I asked if it would be possible to perhaps try a medicated cycle this month and he told me that it wasn’t something he encouraged as I had nothing medically wrong with me and they would only usually do that for women who had actual fertility problems. Even the most fertile woman having IUI would only have a 20% success rate apparently. So I accepted that and left it there. He told me to come back next week for my day 10 scan and I told him about the pain in my side that had been really bad and worried me. He said to let them know if it happened again next month. Right. So I can be in severe pain for nearly 2 weeks following an HCG shot and it’s not a problem.

As I was leaving, I was told to go and see the nurses which I assumed was for my HCG shot – I was a bit surprised to get it earlier, but thought it might be because Dr Nasty still wasn’t taking any notice of the fact I didn’t ovulate till day 15 and was worried it might happen before my scan.

After yet more waiting (I’ve been here an hour by now!), a nurse took me into a room to show me how to inject the Puregon. Which I took to mean I was on a medicated cycle after all. Grr. Why didn’t Dr Nasty just say that. Now I have loads of questions that I don’t get to ask him.

So I left the clinic and phoned wifey to update her. She asks how the drugs will affect O date. Um. Dunno. Guess I would have asked that if Dr Nasty had been clear I was going to do a medicated cycle.

So ring the clinic and leave a message for the nurses. Panic ensues – what if I do the medication and it brings O forward. While I’m away on my course in Wales?! The timing is extremely tight this month anyway – due to ovulate on Monday and on course from Thursday lunchtime till Sunday lunchtime. So it would either need to come REALLY early – eg. Friday for a Thursday am insemination, or be on time or a bit late. And what about the pain I was having. If that is the effect an HCG shot has on me, the side effects of a daily injection are likely to be horrendous. I can’t even begin to think about them. It just all seems so dodgy.

I get back to work and do a little bit of research and find that I’m right, the medication could shift my cycle pattern and could cause some nasty side effects. It’s starting to look like a really bad idea.

Just as I’m beginning to give up on hearing back from the clinic, the nurse calls. She asks my age and my cycle length and I explain I’m worried that if it comes forward from day 15 it will mean a missed cycle. She exclaims that day 15 can’t be right for a 26 day cycle. Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! I know my own fucking body. It is right. Please stop bloody questioning it.

Anyway, she eventually tells me, after lots of trying to get her to understand, that it’s my choice whether I proceed with the medication or not. Good, that’s all I wanted to know. So now I’m back to where I thought I was at my scan this morning. I’m doing another natural cycle. Finally. Panic over.

Read some more stuff in my book tonight about the medication and relieved I’ve made the right decision – it suggests that if your cycle is disrupted by flying then you’re more sensitive to the medication and it could even stop you menstruating naturally. I don’t want that!!

Phew! All sorted. And all systems go.

Acupuncture

Woke up this morning feeling blue.  But then my pain didn’t come on like it normally would and as the day continued I got more and more positive.

The acupuncturist I emailed yesterday called and even had an appointment this evening so I booked in with him straight away and even got the wife’s blessing to spend another £200 on another TTC alternative therapy.  She apparently isn’t including the fairy tea and tablets I’m taking in her calculations of how much this is all costing.  As long as I promise to stick to just the wannabe mum and omega 3 fish oil tablets!  Yay!

My little sister finally asked how the baby-making was going today and I felt ok enough with things to tell her everything – even that I have a scan tomorrow.

The hardest part today though was when the very pregnant colleague came over and all the girls were cooing over her belly and chatting about what it must be like to be pregnant, how they could never do it, etc.  Then one of them said that if the right man didn’t come along in the next few years she’d probably get some donor sperm.  I just sat at my desk gritting my teeth for all I’m worth wishing they could even half understand how difficult all this is.  I don’t quite know how I managed to hold it all together enough to join in the conversation without breaking down.  Especially knowing the “sperm donor girl” got pregnant when she was very young and it wasn’t planned and the “about to pop girl” was “surprised” to get pregnant so quickly.  I don’t think they can even begin to understand what it feels like to really have to save every penny, totally change your entire life and way of living and be poked and prodded in your most intimate areas by stranger after stranger.   Grrrrrr

Anyway, back to happier things.

Went to my acupuncture appointment and the guy was completely lovely.  Took my full history and looked at my charts and diagnosed some treatment to rebalance my yang to help with my short luteal phase, my cold extremities and PCOS-esque symptoms (acne, facial hair, etc).  He put some needles in my feet – the first one sent a relaxing wave through my entire body, but the second one stung a bit.  He put some more in my legs, stomach, forehead and ears and then burnt some moxa on the needle on my stomach.  It felt wonderful – like lying in the hot sun and feeling my stomach tan.  He left me for 5 minutes and told me to concentrate on my breathing and I quite literally ended up feeling like I was floating away.  After the treatment I actually felt so relaxed I felt a bit groggy and nauseous.  But I take that as a good sign.  And my abdo pain has almost completely gone!

Went home and felt so good.  Then wifey told me that the HFE amendment to remove the “need for a father” and change it to “supportive parenting” had gone through.  Another step forward for us!

Just hope that tomorrow continues on the positive vibe.  I really, really, really want to try again this month.  I loved, loved, loved the feeling after insemination that I just might have a little tiny person growing in my belly and can’t wait to have it again.  I only wish I didn’t have to go away next weekend with work – I am so going to want to be with wifey for that precious time before the IUI.  Especially if I’m OPK testing again.  But at least I’ll have proper distractions from TTC for 3 and a half days which is probably a good thing!

See you tomorrow – fingers crossed!

The Fat Lady Sang

Monday – CD27 – 2ww-12
So my period came with avengence late last night so I was right.  Still lower temp this morning and still bleeding heavily so went to the dr on my way into work – she got me to stretch my leg out in front of me and then behind me and told me to take nurofen!  That was a waste of time.

So I called the clinic and told them it was day 1 and I wanted to do a medicated IUI cycle and was told to call reception and book day 2 and 3 scans.

Eventually got through to reception who told me they didn’t do scans on Tuesday so booked me in for Wednesday.  Let’s hope that’s ok??

So back in the saddle and here we go again.  Told work I have a suspected cyst (which isn’t really a lie) and have to go for a scan on Wednesday to get it checked.  So at least this month I have something medical to use as an excuse that isn’t too far from the truth!  Makes it a whole lot less stressful.

The most annoying bit though is that my pain got really bad today – I had lower back pain as well, kept getting really dizzy and shaky and feeling sick.  By the time I got home I was knackered and just wanted to do nothing.  I really hope the scan shows something, but not anything that might affect this month’s treatment….

It’s All Over for this Month

Sunday – CD26 – 2ww-11
My temp had gone right down this morning so by 7am I knew it was all over.  Wasn’t at all shocked or surprised but just a little bit disappointed as I had held onto my hope for all this time but now nothing.  No sign of AF though so wifey didn’t believe it was a definite even though I explained it was.  She’s still convinced it could just be a late implantation dip.  Which I know it isn’t.

Had a tense day – lots of shouting at each other and just being irritable and snappy, but I guess that’s just how we deal with the disappointment.  Had lots of hugs too though so it’s not all been bad.  And at least by being a Sunday we got to spend it together and shut ourselves away for the day which is a blessing.  Of course, when we did pop out for a bit, everywhere I turned there seemed to be mums with babies to remind me of my barren state.

Going to call into the dr tomorrow morning just to check on the abdo pain to see if it is likely to be cysts and will then call clinic to ask about starting a medicated cycle.  Pretty worried about it though as it seems lots of women get cysts once they start meds so I could be booking myself in for more pain and more hassle.  Only hope that if I do have a cyst it doesn’t affect this month’s cycle.  Now I’ve started I really, really don’t want to stop until I have my baby bean growing snuggly inside me.

At least it’s a long weekend coming up so I get to spend extra time with wifey.  I only wish we could spend every day together.  But before that I’ve got a colleague’s leaving drinks on Thursday to get through – she’s going off on maternity leave and I can’t stand her anyway.  That’s going to be a fun evening for sure!  Will definitely be leaving as early as possible.

Oh well, fingers crossed for the next cycle.

I’ll be back to report then.

Is it a Cyst?

Saturday – CD25 – 2ww-10
Nearly there!  Felt really depressed when I woke up this morning – I am sure it hasn’t worked and I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with the confirmation of this, but I guess it is something I will deal with when I have to.

Last night I did some research into my pain and it seems that I might have a cyst as they are often a side effect of the Ovitrelle, so if it’s still bad on Monday I’ll pop into the dr to just get it checked out.  Today of course it’s not been anywhere near as bad – still twinging but better than yesterday – I’ve even been crossing my legs!

In fact today I’ve felt barely anything at all – the nausea I was feeling yesterday has completely gone too.  I had some dreams last night and my temp was down a bit.  I have a massive fresh batch of spots today though – not a good sign.  And this evening I’ve started getting what feel a bit like AF pains but I don’t normally get them and she isn’t due until Monday anyway.  I guess it could all be over by the morning which is a bit depressing but c’est la vie.

Oh well – off to bed and can only hope that AF doesn’t appear overnight.

Nausea

Friday – CD24 – 2ww-9

Woke up this morning and couldn’t remember any dreams again.  This is weird for me cos I always dream!  Had some night sweats again as well and my temp was really high again.

Have been feeling a bit sick all day today too which is very unlike me – I thought it was because I was hungry to start with, but then I had breakfast and it seemed to get worse.  It’s not so bad now, but I still feel a bit queasy.  Like I need some crisps or bread.

And the pain in my side really isn’t getting any better.  Even standing is starting to pull at it now and I cannot cross my legs anymore.  We had a bit of a feel of my abdomen last night and some of the glands did feel slightly more prominent than on the other side.  I am starting to really worry about it now and it’s completely putting me off doing a medicated cycle next time.  After all, if this is the result of a simple HCG shot, what will a whole month of drugs do to my insides?

And obviously, I’ve realised that whatever is causing the pain is almost certainly not down to being pregnant.  And is probably making it even more unlikely that I am.  So a little bit fed up about it and just hoping that it isn’t anything serious, or likely to impact on my next cycle of treatment.

Abdo Pain

Thursday – CD23 – 2ww-8
So the parents have been and gone – was nice to see them although it’s hard sometimes to believe their attitudes towards the world.  They are such Daily Mail readers!!  They didn’t ask any questions though so haven’t had to fudge the issue at all.  But did get a bit fed up with not drinking – I don’t really like fizzy drinks that much, but most places seem to have a severe lack of choice for the non-drinker!

So back to the wait…

Wednesday my temp was still above the coverline (but only just) and I was still getting the pain in my side all day.  Also drank lots again and had a bit of a pig-out in the afternoon, but then barely ate my dinner.

Today, my temp was really high again and I woke up a bit sweaty.  Started off without too much pain in my side but then it came back again with force.  It’s so odd.  I think if I get a BFN I’m going to go to the dr to get it checked out – I’m now completely paranoid that it could be something much more serious like cancer.  The fact that all my family are nagging me about losing weight isn’t helping either.  I really thought it was just ‘cos I’d stopped drinking and was eating more healthily.  But what if it’s not?

God I so can’t wait for this to be over.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a long weekend!!

HFE Bill and Overeating

Tuesday – CD21 – 2ww-6

My temp had gone back up this morning – wonder if it had something to do with having the windows open the previous 2 nights?  Hilarious if that’s all it was!

Was feeling pretty miserable and fed-up this morning after reading about the HFE bill on the Guardian website.  I just find the constant having to justify wanting a baby thing so frustrating.  Especially when we have to set aside hard-earned money, time and energy to do it – do they really think we wouldn’t go out of our way to make sure any child we conceive has the most wonderful chance of life possible?  Grrrr

Anyway, the admin team decided to head up to the park at lunchtime and even though I’d bought my soup in, I couldn’t resist the lure orf BBQ’d sausage in a roll and then a cake from my favourite patisserie afterwards, so have been thoroughly bad today!  And my parents arrive tonight so going out for dinner as well!!  Arrrrggggggghhhhhhh!  So much for being ultra-healthy on my 2ww!

Feeling a lot happier now though thank god – was just so down this morning I couldn’t see how I was going to get through the day, but all is fine again now.  Sometimes I do love work!

Ok – off to meet my little sis for a wander round Selfridges while we wait for my parents – more indulgence – but window-shopping is free (both financially and calorie-wise!).

No symptoms today apart from the slight stitch still in my RHS.  And I am drinking loads more water than usual – normally I’d manage 1.5 bottles a day at work, today I’ve just finished my third and have had 2 cups of tea as well.  I feel so dehydrated which is rare as I drink gallons normally anyway.

Tomorrow is the halfway point so nearly there!

2WW Mentalist

Monday (still)

Going slightly mad.

Used to suffer from IBS but haven’t suffered from it for years now. Then today I had an angry call from my boss, went for a walk to calm down and was almost doubled up in pain with the same old symptoms I used to get. Had a snicker bar and it made me feel better so I think the stress coupled with a bit of hunger may have had an effect. But weird that I’m getting these pains again now.

So far I’ve had a dream about masturbating which although I didn’t cum I was nearly there at – first one in years; I’ve had severe IBS type cramps and I keep wanting to cry at the smallest things and feel really irritable. And I’m only 5 days in, so absolutely no physiological reason for any of this! Once I’m past 7 days what am I going to be like???!!!!

And this was the girl who swore blind she wouldn’t take any notice of the silly symptoms that probably have nothing to do with it all. And was seeing this cycle as a test run with no expectation for a positive at all.

How things change once you’re actually in it!!

Parents arrive from France tomorrow for a couple of days so expecting lots of questions about how things are going. At the moment I’m promising myself that I’ll just be firm and reiterate that I will tell them as soon as there’s something to tell. But the emotional rollercoaster I seem to be on just shouts that I’m bound to crumble and tell them everything! And then I’ll massively regret it and beat myself up all over again for not being able to keep secrets! I’m rubbish!!

Luteal Phase Defect or Paranoia?

Monday – CD20 – 2ww-5
Temp has gone down a bit more this morning. This is definitely a bad sign I think. Something to do with progesterone levels. Which I think if they’re too low will make implantation difficult. Which probably means it’s not going to be a first time lucky success story.

But still got another week to go, so until AF turns up it’s not completely over.

But I’ve stopped thinking there’s a chance it could be a positive now and am starting to accept the inevitable negative.

I just hope that if this is the case that next month the medical staff might actually listen to me and give me something to help my levels and to prolong my luteal phase to improve my chances.